Why I Am A Sort-of Bad Person

Is it a bad thing to not always want the best for others? To wish them ill in spite of yourself?

I am thinking specifically of a certain small and dubious gang of people who used to be in my life but, for various and mostly tragic reasons, aren’t any longer. And for some ridiculous and masochistic reason I like to keep casual track of them, to peek in on their lives and see what’s going on from time to time. I don’t know why I do it when they’ve been lost to me for so long, when I don’t even care enough to not care, when I would be completely devoid of kind words, or perhaps any words at all, for them if we met in a bookstore or a hospital corridor.

The thing is, I don’t particularly want to find any of them happy and well adjusted and fulfilled. Maybe I’m supposed to, but I’ve always taken slights hard. Really hard. In fact, I’m mainly seeking reassurance that their lives are empty and unspecial, perhaps as a punishment in kind for the way they wronged me or insulted me or, worst of all, took it upon themselves to forget about me completely, to wipe me away like a greasy handprint on a car window.

To wit:

BW a pot-bellied, half-homeless alcoholic playing guitar for change on a downtown Portland sidewalk: life-affirming.

MM dating a trashy Missouri girl and speaking ruefully of the botched past: life-affirming.


PP with his kid in tow, refusing even to return the nothing-favor of asking how I’ve been: not life-affirming.

BS married to someone else and playing out the ruse in ridiculous proximity to me: not life-affirming.


Years down the line, even, the happiness of certain people hits me wrong. The nice-and-easy gait of their existence strikes me as a personal affront. Something I can’t help but feel they didn’t earn and don’t deserve.

I don’t forgive easily. That’s my confession.


21 thoughts on “Why I Am A Sort-of Bad Person

  1. mm says:

    The facts I have about you Lisa are from what Erin spoke to me directly. Hearing from a 3rd party could be offensive I guess. Swine to pearls is a biblical reference. Erin-somehow I am getting emails about your posts. Please remove me from your blogs email list. Thanks.

    • Lisa says:

      MM- I think what Erin must have told you, she told you in confidence at the time with the expectation that you wouldn’t go blabbing it around. You must have been too fucked up in the head at the time to remember it all correctly. So, Mr. WWJD, you should be careful about what you say regarding people you don’t really know. It just opens up a can of worms and allows the other person to then start flinging poo in your own direction (or “an eye for an eye”…how’s that for a biblical reference? As it seems like that’s the only way you know how to communicate.). You are lucky I never want to step foot in Missouri or you would find a special flaming delivery on your doorstep.

      If it matters so much to you, you can remove yourself from the blog email notifications by going into one of the emails and selecting “One-Click Unsubscribe” at the bottom, as you were the one who selected to be notified of new posts/comments in the first place.

      So, go do that and go away now. No excuses.

      • mm says:

        thanks Lisa,

        I unsubscribed. In all honesty, I wronged your friend. I shouldn’t even be reading this blog or getting insulted over you protecting your best friend. I didn’t mean to be “blabbing”. I should have been more humble and not allowed my emotions to get me caught up. Anyways, I just remembered we used to chat and I know I hurt her. I ended up getting hospitalized because I felt so bad about my dumb mistake. I do have issues but who doesn’t.

        I am not a “good” Christian. But I have faith. Erin is truly an awesome and amazing girl and is a big regret in life because I wronged her. You can dismiss me as being crazy…Which is justified because I am.

        Anyways. Sorry for being a douchebag. I do wish you both the best. The piles of flaming shit are welcome. Sorry for the drama. peace.

  2. erinjbernard says:

    Um, that doesn’t even make any sense!! And, P.S., we are both educated working professionals. Neither of which you can say for yourself, Missouri. Go away! You aren’t invited to hang out on my blog anymore.

    • Lisa says:

      Erin, it doesn’t make any sense because he’s actually referring to his last hook-up. *insert pig squeal here* Here, piggy-piggy-piggy!!! Come get yer slop!

  3. erinjbernard says:


    Lisa and I were raised Catholic. We know a whole lot more about religion than you do, guaranteed, so we don’t need “recommendations” from someone who up until two years ago was a philanderer and an alcoholic. (I can’t speak for the recent past, but I have my guesses…)

    I can’t count how many times I have asked you not to contact me anymore. But you persist and I’m not sure why. And, frankly, I haven’t cared much why, but now you are attempting to insult and publicly humiliate my best friend which makes me absolutely furious. She is twice the person you will ever be. In fact, I called her on the phone the minute I discovered you were cheating on me. It was an instinct… She’s been there for me through you and a million other losers and she’ll be there long after you take your soapboxing elsewhere. You suck. Leave us alone.

    How’s that go… Patriotism is the last refuge of scoundrels… or was it religion? Yeah. Sounds about right.

    Last thing to keep in mind: I can block your comments and you at any moment I want. I’m just letting you publish because I thought it would be an entertaining addition to my blog. I wouldn’t have taken you for such a dirty fighter, Matt. Shame on you.

    • Lisa says:

      Matt- just so you know, you don’t have your facts straight about me. I really don’t care what you have to say about me because I know the truth and we both have freedom of speech. But there are some people close to me whom I would like to protect. As in- I don’t like to hurt/insult/betray people I care about- which, due to your past actions involving Erin (and who knows how many other young women before and after her), you obviously know nothing about. And just cut the b.s. about all of your religious recommendations. It is painstakingly obvious that I don’t give a shit and neither does Erin. “Religulous” did teach me one thing and that is how truly INSANE most religious people are (and just to make this clear, I mean YOU, Mr. Schitzo!) for believing all those made-up stories. So, now why don’t you take this comment and humbly shove it up your ass!! And then come tell us what Jesus told you when you saw the light! Or wait, was that the voice of the Holy Spirit?

  4. erinjbernard says:

    Ugh, Matthew, you drive me crazy! If you will recall, we stayed broken up and out of contact not because you cheated on me several times and lied about it, but because you kept trying to blame me for the whole thing, which was basically adding egregious insult to injury. You still seem to see yourself as an innocent party and me as a hostile nag! You are entitled to feel that way, but next time you ask yourself why we can’t “catch up” and “be friends,” keep in mind that the answer is relatively simple: we can’t do those things precisely because you don’t understand why the way you treated me would compel me to not want to do those things. “Odd scenario” don’t even begin to cover it, kiddo.

    • mm says:

      several times? This is news to me. I gave you your “closure” a year after the fact when you contacted me and we hung out before Obamas speech. When you showed me all the vandalism and stolen goods done in your honor.

      As much as this might sadden you. I am doing good. My life is full of happiness and I have a roof over my head and jobs. I am not where I want to be but I am taking the necessary steps.

      Sorry for writing you saying I am glad your doing good and congratulating you being an editor. I don’t care to battle.

      Sorry you still feel the need to write about me years after the fact. But then again maybe I should feel sorry for feeling the need to be reading it.

      The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

      • mm says:

        Lisa- You can hold whatever opinion you like.

        In regards to what else you wrote you should check out Marc Driscoll lecture series called Vintage Jesus. He is from Washington and a really awesome speaker. Fits in with the whole upper northwest attitude.

        I hope that you will use the movie you saw to learn more about who Jesus is. Christians do believe some amazing crazy things and there is a humbling tonic to be had seeing the faith in the eyes of someone profoundly hostile and uninterested in sparing our feelings. This is what Bill Maher does with his film. However it isn’t honest it is kind of funny. If you’re actually interested in the subject look up Apologetics, Oral Tradition and the New Testament, and the canonization of the Bible.

        The fact of the matter is I originally wrote her about her being right about something. She responded then I responded it was basically cordial. I don’t see how I am doing any manipulation. Like I said earlier in an above post sorry for even reading it since this has become the outcome.

        Lol, as far as knowledge goes I am always looking for it. Worldliness not so much 

  5. MM says:

    Applying “fiction” to any Holy text is very bold to say the least. I assumed with your travels you would have learned this by now.

    I respect the prose you write which is why I have read it every month or so because it is brilliant and you should write a book.

    I am not judging you. I wish nothing but the best for you in all your endeavors.

    Whilom we said “I love you” which makes me curious about your presence in life. Sorry if that is creepy.

    Sorry for causing so much scorn. I figured time would heal but I guess it didn’t.

    I don’t know. Your the only person I have encountered in life that has open animosity and hostility towards me and its a 0dd scenario. Does that make sense? Writing letters trying to make amends and catch up then getting criticized via blogs is a bit insulting. I have tried to let everything go long ago, but I still wish you well and am curious. Sorry.

    peace be with you,


    • erinjbernard says:

      MM: Well… Yeah, isn’t that what I just said? The whole point of the blog was to point out something I don’t admire about myself! Two other points: 1. It’s sort of lopsided to apply a work of fiction (The Bible) to a work of non-fiction (My essay). 2. If you were following the spirit of that verse, you wouldn’t refer me to it: in quoting a verse that implies I am judgmental, you are being judgmental.
      Just sayin…

      • Lisa says:

        So, I know it’s probably not my place to butt in here, but I will anyway since I can see the manipulation MM is trying to pull on my dear BFF. MM- stop reading this blog if you don’t want to hear about what a big douche canoe loser you are/were. You need a reality check regarding your behavior and how you treat people who become emotionally close to you. You hurt Erin and caused her more pain than your half-dead brain will ever realize which gives her every right to come back to those experiences and openly discuss them in order to find her own peace. You are not her friend anymore. She does not particularly like you. You are delusional if you think otherwise.

        Fact: the Bible was written…what? Decades? No, I think it was more like CENTURIES after the supposed Christ had died…any true “witnesses” to his miracles, teachings, etc. would be dead…the people who wrote it were winging it, thus, it is a work of fiction, not based on any facts with someone living to prove it. Not to mention that the basic facts of Christ’s life: a virgin birth, three kings bearing gifts, floating down a river in a basket, walking on water, etc. are all taken from even earlier religious renderings from Egypt and India. Have you not seen “Religulous?” The Bible is fiction.

        Fact: Erin’s blog is non-fiction as she has lived these events and knows the people in her stories. It may be told from her perspective, but everyone lives their own lives and see the world in their own light. Thus, it is true for her, making it non-fiction.

        I would assume that with the vast degree of knowledge and worldliness you must have acquired in dear, ol’ Missouri that you would have learned this by now.

    • Lisa says:

      It occurred to me after I posted my other comment that you were posting this verse in response to my comment…I am not even going to waste my time looking the verse up since I will guess that it has something to do with being judgmental based on what Erin said back. I just wanted to point out how ridiculous you are- you must think of yourself as religious to be doing something as dumb as quoting the Bible (again, religion is a man-made institution to try to gain money, power and control of the masses…it is FAKE! It is CORRUPT! It is EVIL!) to try to make someone think their behavior is inappropriate. Oh, but it is okay to sleep with lots of women, cheat on them while in a “committed” relationship, then lie about it when confronted, and try to shift the blame on the innocent party…because, I guess, the Bible must have told you that you would be forgiven? Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!! Not only is that pathetic, but what a joke! At least now Erin and I have even more stuff to laugh at you for!

      You best not come ’round these parts no mo’, boy! Ya hear?!

  6. Lisa says:

    I hear ya, babe! I too sometimes wish for a select few from my past to get their karmic justice for how they have hurt or wronged me…it takes a long time to get over some things and I am pretty sure there is one or two things I might not ever forgive or forget. I still wish I could do mean, horrible things to one in particular. Anyway, I don’t think it makes you a bad person to feel better about your life when you hear that those 2 are facing difficult, mediocre lives. I love you!!! Can’t wait to see you tomorrow!!

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