There is …

… this one spot on my living room couch and this one certain time of early evening where the sun glints so bright on the doorknob that it almost makes me blind. But somehow, I can’t stop staring, and hard, at that. A lot of things are that way, I guess. I’ve never been too easy or reasonable. But a stubborn and tireless heart … That, at the very freaking least, I’ve got. Inimitable, clicheed, perhaps, but ah, well …

I’ve been considering lately all manner of social experiments I might enact during my 30th year, set to commence the end of August. Top of the list: no lies, for an entire year. It is likely to destroy me and all of my personal relationships, but it will entertain, at the very least. And it’ll be good for me, who is so accustomed to hiding. I hold a lot of ridiculous secrets. I’m curious to know what happens when they come tumbling out. Somehow, I’m also indifferent.

The older you get, I suppose, the less you care about seeming. That’s certainly a gift. I know some lament the twilight of their youth. I mean, Jesus! Thirty!! I can still clearly recall a time when I pitied those who’d reached such a grand and indecorous number. Once, years ago, on a big night out in Rome with hostelmates I’d ony just met, we all decided it would be fun to go in a circle and tell our ages and occupations. It was 21-23 and “student” all round – American, Japanese, Mexican, Korean – till we came to an Austrailian girl in a slightly too short red dress.

“I’m a bit older than the rest of you,” she said. “I’m 29.”

I felt such pity for her. Me, 21 and totally idiotic, knowing at once everything and nothing. I could scarcely comprehend such a terribly old age.

And now. Yes, the hangovers get more brutal each year, and, yes, it becomes ever more difficult to cast off worries, and yes, I carry by this late hour a comet’s tail of neuroses, and yes, the nightmares that have plagued me since childhood are more brutal and full of vengeance than ever before, but I gotta say. I’m excited for this new turn.

Time hits you, like it our not. I think I’ve decided to like it. Fully.


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