I was going through a gloriously ginormous bag of notes from junior high and high school just now and I discovered this lovely little speech that I gave to my eighth grade speech class. I wrote it when I was 13 and at the very beginning of my surly phase, which lasted roughly a decade. My favorite parts are where I try to establish social legitimacy by listing off my favorite “cool” bands and radio stations, when I claim to love surfing even though I had never been and still have never been surfing even once, and when I talk about how much I hate NPR, which I now listen to about four hours a day. Gawd.
This is unlikely the last literary endeavor you’ll enjoy out of my stash o’notes. But it is arguably the best thing in there, I think.
I’m leaving it as-is. (Aside: my grammar was awesome for a middle schooler!) Enjoy.
“Hi. I’m Erin Bernard. I have two green eyes, one nose, two ears, two knees, 10 fingers, 10 toes, 1 head, 1 belly button and two feet. I was born in Oregon, I’ve always lived in Oregon and I hate Oregon. I hate Oregon because it’s boring, nothing ever happens here and the only star to come out of Oregon is Tonya Harding and she almost ended up in the slammer.
I love alternative music such as Soundgarden, Weezer and Stone Temple Pilots. Nirvana is my very favorite group. When Kurt Cobain died, I was real sad. My favorite songs are “Einstein on the Beach” by Counting Crows and “Far Behind” by Candle Box.
My favorite actor is Jim Carrey. I really loved “Ace Ventura” (it’s my favorite) and “The Mask.” I like Jim Carrey because he’s funny, talented and not a total jerk.
My favorite sport is surfing. I like it because it is an unusual sport and a challenge. I also like to body surf. But I never barely even get to surf either way because Oregon bites and the water is too cold.
The restaurant I love best is Taco Bell. I love them because they are fast and efficient. They also have good food and hand out free INDECIPHERABLE WORD.
I hate Taco Time because the food there is greasy and really nasty.
Another thing I hate is Z100. They play really lame, cheesy songs that no one likes.
I also hate the sun and I love the rain because it’s dreary and cold.
My favorite color is clear. (And that is a color) and I love watching MTV, The Box and HBO.
I like to skateboard every once in awhile because it’s dangerous and my parents don’t like me to.
In about one week, I’m getting two fish and their names are going to be Jim and Taco Bell. I like fish and I’m getting two fish because I know how to make fish live longer: Skittles. They improve fishes life span. I know because I know a girl who fed her fish skittles every day and they lived for like a year and a half.
I listen to CDs most of the time, but on the radio 970 and 101.1 are my favorite stations.
I hate dresses and I like jeans and T-shirts.
I like winter because I get to miss school and on Christmas, a big fat jolly man brings me lots of free stuff.
I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up because I don’t want to grow up, because grown ups are boring, stupid and gullable and all they watch is the news and channel 11 and in the car, they make you listen to public radio and the AM religious channel. But if I do grow up, I’m going to win the Publisher’s Clearinghouse sweepstakes and meet Ed McMahon and be rich forever.
I don’t want kids because they are rude, gross and waste all of your money. And they steal things from you. I should know because I’m a kid and I steal from my parents all of the time.
I think animals are cool and I hate killing them because I’m a vegetarian. I barely ever go to church because I’m too lazy to get up early enough. So that’s about it.
I like alternative music, I hate school and I like money and Jim Carrey. And that’s the end.”