Well, hello, there … Yes, you! I am, in fact talking to you. I know we’ve never met but I just had to stop you a moment to let you know that I did, in fact, see you do that. In case you were wondering.
I saw you talking on your cell phone while driving, which is illegal in the State of Oregon.
I saw you help yourself to a bite of food from your date’s plate when she wasn’t looking.
I saw you hit the car behind you while you were parallel parking at Powell’s and then walk away pretending you hadn’t noticed even though you had.
I saw you pick food out of your teeth and look at it.
I saw you check yourself out in that store window just to see what you look like when you are walking.
I saw you check out the ass of the woman in the pink sweatpants when her boyfriend wasn’t looking.
I saw you refill your coffee without paying fifty cents.
I saw you knock a melon off the stand at the grocery store and back slowly away.
I saw you looking guilty when you walked past the homeless guy and didn’t throw him any change.
I saw you eat both halves of your Subway sandwich in one sitting.
I saw you pick a half-smoked cigarette butt up off the ground and stick it in your pocket.
I saw you sample four flavors at the ice cream shop and then not buy anything.
I saw you litter a water bottle wrapper.
I saw you pick a plum from the neighbor’s yard and gobble it all up.
I saw you speed through the crosswalk on MLK even though a pedestrian and a biker were waiting.
I saw you switch lanes when a cop pulled into the road behind you.
I saw you blow a snot rocket.
I saw you steal the New York Times Review of Books from the coffee shop on a Sunday morning.
I saw you cutting in front of me for the bathroom like you didn’t know I was waiting even though you had to take a shit and probably knew it was going to be awhile.
I saw you trip over your shoelace.
I saw you trip over nothing.
I saw you waving to somebody who didn’t wave back, and I saw you get embarrassed.
I saw you eat lunch by yourself with some trepidation.
I saw you walking around the store with a long piece of toilet paper stuck to your shoe and I didn’t tell you.
I saw you telling a story that everybody stopped listening to halfway through.
I saw you go for a high five and miss.
I saw you ride the Max without a validated ticket.
I saw you crying during the National Anthem.
I saw you reading People Magazine at the doctor’s office.